Customer centricity

I have just received a letter with an invoice from the PATHOLOGY department of a hospital.

The pathology department warmly welcomes me, reassuring they are utmost delighted that they can greet me among their new clients.

Later the letter describes that it is about the laboratory test I had some weeks ago, which (apparently) goes to pathology to evaluate the results.

I sincerely hope that Pathology being the receiving institution is part of the Standard Operating Procedure, rather than the outcome of an accurate customer segmentation based on my test results.

Fit & proper

Dear Mr(Ms) Bicycle Thief,

You were so kind to have very recently visited us – more specifically my vehicle parking on the street in front of my home.

You could eventually not steal it, still you managed to break a piece in the lock, due to which I cannot use it either.

As for the ethical and moral aspects of your profession, I would rather not touch upon that topic now, as I am afraid we have a significantly differing standpoint in this regard.

Nevertheless, I would like to share with you some objective observations regarding your activity:

All professions have some basic requirements – some fundamental criteria if you want to make a successful career in it – and yours is not an exception.

In case you next time consider to borrow a bicycle that happens to belong to somebody else, and thus you do not have the necessary keys to the vehicle, you might want to resolve this situation with your own mechanical devices – which may or may not be proper for this act.

Therefore, before next time you take action, you might want to assess the situation first whether you are technically equipped to successfully engage in the activity of stealing.

You need to know that for bicycles above a certain value there are safety measures built in the construction itself these days, which makes it somewhat longer to complete the action of stealing… in case you have the necessary equipment AND the sufficient professional experience – the above being conjunctive conditions.

Therefore, before taking a next action tonight, I recommend you to do the below Quick Self-Test in order to properly judge the Adequacy of your Criminal Capacities:

Questions related to the objects you use:

1.) ‘Do I have the proper devices?’

including (but not limited to)

a.) Do I have them from a reliable source’ (e.g. whether I have purchased – sorry, stole – them from a top criminal, or somebody lower rated in my industry)

b.) Do I regularly upgrade my equipment to be aligned with the latest technological developments in my profession (e.g. fit to open new generation bike locks, fit to cut the latest chain types..)

Questions related to your person:

2.) Do I have sufficient years of experience in my chosen business line?

3.) Am I fit to get engaged in the planned specific activity?

a.) Am I handy, in general?

b.) Do I regularly keep my knowledge up-to-date? (e.g. follow up professional literature, attend conferences, meet-ups on the newest trends in modus operandi..)

4.) Do I have good professional reputation amongst my peers? (e.g. am I considered a role model for upcoming professionals).

In case – and only in case – your answer is a ‘yes’ to all above questions, should you invest your valuable time in trying to steal a vehicle.

Otherwise it becomes a ‘lose-lose’ situation, perfectly pointless for all impacted stakeholders.

Thank you for considering the above.

Vital statistics

I have just received an email from a male colleague from a bank-branch: he is asking about my height and weight measurements.
I politely ask him whether the Bank has opened a modelling agency (‘broadening activity scope’) for which reason the above data are inevitable – but he quickly clarifies that he needs them for the life insurance I have recently requested for.
My reply attached.
___________
Az imént kaptam e-mailt egy bankfióki ügyintéző férfikollégától, melyben magasságom és súlyom iránt érdeklődik.
Udvariasan visszakérdezek, hogy a bank a közelmúltban tudtomon kívül esetleg modellügynökséget nyitott-e, mely körülmény természetesen azonnal megmagyarázná a hirtelen támadt érdeklődést. 
A kolléga tisztázza hogy nem, ellenben a minap kötött életbiztosításomhoz szükséges a fenti 2 adat.
Válaszom csatolva.

Personalised offer

Me (upset, to my husband):
‘Guess what.  I am just reserving flight tickets for the summer, and if I book for the 4 of us, the ticket price is x EUR. 
But if I include my mum as 5th person in our booking, each ticket is calculated at a 10 EUR higher price..
So the air company must be using a different pricing from 5 persons in a group.. Would you call it ‘customer centric’??’
My husband (in a helpful, objective tone): 
‘It depends. Any chance they know your mum?’
______________
Én (meglepetten/ bosszankodva repülőjegy foglalás közben): 
“Huu mire jöttem rá: ha négyünknek akarok csak jegyet venni, akkor a jegyár/db = iksz EUR, ha viszont anyukámat is a mi foglalásunkba teszem, akkor minden jegyet 10 EUR-ral drágábban számol..!! Ezek szerint 5 főtől magasabb árat számol a légitársaság..”
 
Házastársam (semleges arckifejezéssel, segítőkész hanghordozással): “Nem lehet, hogy csak ismerik anyukádat?”

Family as unlimited source of innovation

Innovation idea: free Parental Control App.

When you visit huge places where the risk is high that your child may get lost, in order to easily find her back all you need is to install this app which will show you the map of the building with detailed information on the location of the electric outlets.

The 2.0 version of the same app will add the map of the best Public WiFi Hotspots of the same building.

__________


Innovációs javaslat: ingyenes Szülői Felügyeleti app.

Nagyobb épületek, pl pláza családi látogatásakor, ahol fennáll a veszélye annak, hogy a családtagok szem elől tévesztik egymást, tinédzser gyermekek megtalálása a jövőben játszi könnyedséggel!! 
Mindössze ezen app installálása szükséges, mely az épület villamos tervrajza betöltésével megmutatja a helyszínen található konnektorok elhelyezkedését.
Fejlesztés alatt: ugyanezen app 2.0 verziója már az épület legerősebb nyilvános wi-fi hotspotok szerinti alaprajzát is tartalmazza.

Books and their covers

My daughter (13) has recently received braces on her teeth.

She could choose between many different colours, finally ending up with a pink set.

The dentist, a lady in her 50s, gave her a big smile and confirmed that she could totally understand the colour choice, being ‘nicely girlish’.

My daughter listened to her politely, eventually remarking: 

‘It could be also a reason for my choice. 

..But actually, this is the shade of colour that best matches the anti-theft alert app that I installed on my smartphone a while ago, and use as a Wallpaper ever since.’


Never judge a book by its colour – nor a generation Z female by her braces colour.

________


Noémi (13) a napokban fogszabályzót kapott.

Rengeteg színből választhatott – végül a rózsaszín mellett döntött.


A fogász, egy 50 körüli hölgy, mindezt széles (és hibátlan) mosollyal nyugtázta, és biztosította lányom, hogy teljességgel megérti döntését, mert “a rózsaszín az olyan aranyosan lányos”.


Lányom udvariasan végighallgatta, majd a kedvesen megjegyezte, hogy akár ez is lehetne döntése alapja, bár ő történetesen azért ezt a színt választotta, mivel árnyalatban ez passzol leginkább ahhoz a lopásgátló app-hez, amit a napokban installált, és amit screen-saver azóta is használ az iPhone-ján.


Ne ítélj meg egy könyvet a borítója – egy tinédzser lányt pedig a fogszabályzó színe alapján.